Escort Rankings! As you damn well know, there’s no better place on the Internet to find the proper fap material than ThePornDude. I’m out there day and night, ranking the best free sex tubes and premium smut networks on the web. Honestly, I’m the kind of motherfucker who reads reviews on everything I spend my money on, from knockoff boner pills to VR porn helmets, to high-class escorts around the world. EscortRankings.uk, as the name implies, features exactly those type of hooker ratings in the United Kingdom.
EscortRankings has only been around since the end of 2019. Hooker review sites ain’t dependent on age, though, but tend to live or die by how much traffic they get, and how many call girls, erotic masseuses, and doms they’ve got listed. I just hit the landing page at Escort Rankings, and I already like the numbers I’m seeing among their Top Cities. These guys have tens of thousands of escorts listed across the UK.
Tons of Sluts, and Damn, They’re Hot!
One of my first thoughts, when I landed on the site, was, damn, the UK has it fucking good! I guess that may be a generalization, but limey’s have some top-shelf pickings when it comes to girls who will get you off for money.
The thumbnailed whores on the front page look like legit pornstars, with professional photography showing off their pretty faces, tight bodies, and scrumptious titties. A lot of escort sites are populated by women hiding their faces, showing you only part of the package you’re considering renting for the night. A lot of that is related to the legal gray areas these sites often operate in, but I’m fucking thrilled that these babes are showing those angelic/whorish mugs.
The site’s Escort Rankings default to London, where the site is most active. They’ve got over 17,000 escorts listed in the city, dwarfing the local hooker populations of cities like Manchester (2063), Birmingham (1119), Nottingham (603) and Leeds (579). The cities list runs pretty deep, even to places like Rochester or Luton, where they’ve only got an escort or two on the menu.
I’ve been scrolling up and down the front page, getting a taste of what the site has to offer. I’m already a little bit infatuated by a couple of these sex-goddesses for hire. These are truly some high-class escorts. Beneath each glorious thumbnail portrait is the babe’s name, age range, and their star-rating from reviewers. It’s like Amazon, except for sluts.
Prices, Services, and More at Your Fingertips
This girl Kira has been smiling at me from her main profile shot from the very moment I landed on the page. I clicked on her perfect titties to see her full profile on EscortRankings.
I’ll be honest: I’m a pretty cynical motherfucker. This girl is so beautiful, and her photo gallery is so professional, that I right-clicked all her pics to do a reverse image search. It’s a good way to find scammers, since they’ve usually stolen their galleries from elsewhere. My girl Kira looks totally legit from this little test, plus I can see from her profile that she’s working for a major London agency.
The stats box lists all the basics you’re looking for in a broad: age, ethnicity, body type, breast size and height. You’ll see if she’s got implants or real jugs, and whether that kitty is shaved completely or trimmed into a neat little Hitler mustache.
Unregistered users get limited access to the site, but it includes full contact info. Kira’s just a phone call away, while other girls may prefer alternative contact methods. However you choose to holler at these chicks, you don’t necessarily have to leave a paper trail on the site or your email box. That’s good news for you Johns, who share a laptop with the wifey. She doesn’t need to know you’re bagging a broad half her age using those college funds you’ve been trying to save for the kids.
Prices are listed in the profiles, so there’s no confusion. I really prefer sites that list prices upfront, because otherwise you’re left in the dark when it comes to haggling for a BJ or some face-sitting. Kira is asking just 200 pounds for Incall, and 250 for Outcall.
Services are also listed, in plain English without a ton of secret codes. Newbies to escort sites can be intimidated by all the BCDs, RMPs, TAMPS and BBBBJTCNQNS they often throw at you, with some of the shittier sites not even offering a glossary to help you work through it all. When EscortRankings.uk does use acronyms, they also spell out what they stand for. You don’t need a translator to see what Kira’s offering: Classic Intercourse, 69 Position, OWO (Oral Without Condom), Handjobs and the GFE (Girlfriend Experience).
See the Escorts, Read Their Rankings
Arguably, one of the biggest selling points of EscortRankings.uk is that they have actual escort rankings
. I mean, shit, it’s right there in the name! It’s one of the most useful features of the best escort sites and a deal-breaker for the websites that don’t have it. I like how they put it front and center here.
The actual escort rankings and reviews are listed at the bottom of each profile. Kira only has one review so far, from some dude who’s seen her within the past week. “Kira is a sexy brunette who will get kinky very quick,” he writes, going on to talk about her “wild side”. I guess the blowjob included whip cream.
Just like when you’re throwing your paycheck at Jeff Bezos to get some bullshit on your doorstep, the reviews are sometimes more useful when there are a lot of them. One review is like one dude’s case study, but a stack of them read like a community appraisal of these hot sluts.
For example, I found a gorgeous blonde named Eda working for another major London agency. She’s got a handful of reviews stretching back to September of last year. The short, petite hottie opted not to spell out her services, but her reviews have some very kind things to say.
Find and Nail Your Dream Girl Tonight
Some dudes can get off with any fine-looking broad willing to spread her legs for a few bones, but I know how picky some of you refined perverts can get. Those of you out there with specific tastes are really going to love the Advanced Search features EscortRankings.uk has baked in
The Location search filter is a given, but it’s the wealth of other options that helps make the site. You can search by ass type if you’re into Nice and Round booties, Flat ones, or Athletic butts you can bounce a quarter off of. Find a tranny, a girl who smokes, or a blonde, curly-haired BBW with saggy tits. Yes, Saggy is listed along with Natural, Perfect, and Rock Hard.
The Service and Fetish Information checkboxes at Escort Rankings let you go wild and really dial in the kind of freak you’re looking for. Find a babe who lets you hit it between her titties, double-team you with another girl, or kick you in the nuts before letting you fist her butthole.
If you’re going to be spending money, it’s a good idea on any site to filter by user ratings. After you’ve dialed in your lactating, red-haired pornstar with a curvy body and Tantric Massage on her services menu, hit the Overall Rating button to make sure she’s got at least 4 stars. You don’t want a girl squirting sour breast milk on you, after all.
My one real complaint about EscortRankings is that they cut unregistered users off after viewing a few profiles. Registration is free, but there are other escort sites out there that don’t make you sign up at all to browse the listings and contact the girls. It ain’t too hard for most people to come up with a disposable email address (hint: Google “disposable email address”), but grandpas and the generally technologically inept may not appreciate the extra step.
Whether you register or just browse until they cut you off, EscortRankings.uk doesn’t cost any money to use. Their list of whores runs deep across the UK, especially if you’re a horny pervert in London. Take a look if you’re in the market for someone to help you ease some of that social-distancing cabin fever and those backed-up pipes your pants.